In the third grade, I loved Star Wars action figures. Too young and stupid to realize that the prequels sucked, I made my parents buy me whatever plastic piece of garbage had Star Wars logos plastered all over it. I had like 4 Ki-Adi-Mundi figures- you know, that dude who had a heart in his head or something like that? During one Christmas get together, my aunt and uncle had purchased me a crab robot thing (It was in Star Wars, apparently…) that I had already had. I made a big fuss about it, because it’s something I didn’t want. My parents said “Appreciate the gesture, and stop being selfish”.

In Kindergarten, I got a Scooby-Doo shirt from someone at some point in the year for some kind of holiday. I wasn’t really into Scooby-Doo. My parents said “Appreciate the gesture, and stop being selfish”.

At about the same time in that Star Wars phase, I got a giant Sam’s Club box of Star Wars fruit snacks for Christmas. I know what you’re thinking: “Who gives fruit snacks for Christmas?”. It was an awesome gift for about 4 hours until all of the fruit snacks had been viciously consumed. I complained to my parents about a stomach ache and the terminal nature of the gift. My parents said “Appreciate the gesture, stop being selfish”.

One time I got an iTunes gift card when I was the owner of a Zune. My parents said “Appreciate the gesture, stop being selfish”.

I didn’t want dinner one night. “Appreciate the gesture, stop being selfish”.

Whenever I got something I didn’t want, something that I thought was awful, this was the response. Even if it was a garbage can full of dead skunks and human sadness. Even if it was a candy gram informing me of the death of a loved one. Even if it was a DVD that had the TV edited version of Pulp Fiction.

Appreciate

the

Gesture

Stop

Being

Selfish

I’m Sorry, world. I’m sorry, my aunts and uncles. I’m sorry, whoever gave me that iTunes gift card. I’m sorry, dinner.

I’m not sorry Bono.

Summary: Songs of Innocence isn’t really any good.

Choice Cuts: Song for Someone

Leftovers: Every Breaking Wave

D-

Songs of Innocence is out now somewhere on your computer. Their next record Big Brother is out sometime in the foreseeable future.